Constructive Dismissal - The magic words

So in the interest of giving helpful advice about being laid off....

Should your firm be restructuring/downsizing or anything else they care to call it..you may find your role suddenly changes and you are moved somewhere.

Years back I found myself working for a midsized Telco (no names please) who had a somewhat lax HR department (read that how you will).

My deparment was 'removed' and without so much as a how's your father the 'strategy' guy (ex military - what's that joke about army intelligence?) moved us all into other roles without consultation.

I suddenly found myself demoted working for someone who didn't really have a role for me. A visit to HR resulted in 'well if you're not happy maybe you should look for another job?'...not so fast darl!

I talked to one of my oldest and dearest who uttered the magic words 'constructive dismissal'(there's no place like home)...a quick check of the maximum payout and visit to a lawyer and my price was set!

Meanwhile I went about making myself as annoying as possible

1. Peforming every task as quickly as possible with extra suggestions on top (management never took any on board)
2. Strolling in late in bike gear taking the walk of shame past the managers offices - sometimes even waving
3. Telling anyone who would listen including senior managers how I had been constructively dismissed

Well this strategy sent my poor new boss into a spin...HR obviously instructed him to note my behaviour down...sadly for him kind co-workers who couldn't believe how I had been treated tore out his list of 'late' days and disposed of it.

He then took to calling me into meetings and telling me I was 'a disgrace'...with just a touch of the dramatic I politely informed him that the disgrace was how I had been treated and uttered the magic words 'constructive dismissal'...(cue the cold sweat). Just for good measure I produced all my great ideas for him to take to management.

Finally a restructure was announced and was presented to the whole department..Names in boxes on charts. By now there was more than a groundswell of support for my situation amongst the staff (after all if they could do it to me....). One brave soul even had the nerve to ask (even though questions weren't called for) where my name was on the chart.

He was told that was being 'dealt with'. Be still my beating heart.

A meeting was eventually called...My lawyer told me the figure I should look for on the papers. The instructions were if the figure matched or was in excess of the maximum payment for constructive dismisal that I was to say nothing, sign the paper and leave the room.

And that's exactly how it went down..But don't you need to gather your things? Already done...I'll be leaving now thanks.

Phew..thank goodness for ill conceived restructues and those magic words!

How to get laid (off)

So this idea has been kicking around for years now....officially I've been laid off/retrenched/made redundant 5 times in 11 years which is quite impressive. How about twice in 1 year (tick!). Has anyone else been laid off that many times - if so let me know?

Can I plead that there are special circumstances? I work in Marketing for IT and Telco's which is notoriously high risk ...I also survived the dot.com boom/bust.

I'm semi famous (laughable) for this stat amongst friends and I've always threatened to 'write a book' but that's so last century so why not a blog.

So by now (if you’re still reading) you might be asking 'how does he do it'? I thought I would share a few lessons about my experiences but perhaps the most interesting fact about being laid off so much is that I managed to profit from the experience (hello house deposit - goodbye job security).

In fact in a sick way you can, with good luck and a steely nerve, plan for retrenchment by choosing the 'right' company/job role. If that fails well there are other ways (insert evil laugh). I have been described as 'Machiavellian' in some situations but I prefer to think of myself as 'pragmatic' in the face of the inevitable.

I have been shocked in my working life by how oblivious some people are to the signs of impending doom (yes the company is in trouble but I'll be ok! huh?) .. how managers often don't let people know their lives are about to be turned upside down (morals?) or even worse assure people they will be ok, use them then dump then anyway? Hello corporate world..do unto others!!

I realise in the current climate there are a lot of people being laid off and this blog could be a little off colour but hopefully people can see the funny side(?) of my experiences and perhaps share a laugh.

Hell George Clooney even has a movie about laying people off at the moment 'Up in the air' - note to self - go watch it.

Anyway enough rambling. I always planned to subtitle my book 'Rub the right people the wrong way and profit' ...so I'll elaborate on that shortly.